Aaahhhh- What to Do, What to Do!

First off, I want to take some time to talk about a problem I have. My husband seems to be in the habit of speaking poorly about me to my kids. Generally his opinion of me doesn’t bother me, but it is really bothering them to hear it.

Tonight, while I was out getting something in the van, he apparently said something to Abbey about me. After he went to bed, she told me about it, and told me that she really hated it when he did that. I told her that I was 38 years old, I didn’t care what other people thought of me, and that she shouldn’t either. I don’t think I made her feel any better.

I don’t talk poorly about him to the kids, or generally even when there is a chance they can hear me (they do eavesdrop on occasion). Regardless of how I feel about him, he is still their dad, and that’s that. Not to mention, he has a way of making himself look bad to them, they don’t need me making it worse.

So, my question is how to deal with this. Short of me telling them not to worry about it, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want to tell him- he’ll just get angry with them for tlling me. Any Advice?

*****

My other issue is pretty much an non-issue, but I want to talk about why I put “A Green Witch in a Born Again World”. Tonight was the orientation for the homeschool co-op we go to. Yes, I live in the bible belt, and yes, this is a Christian co-op. I had to sign an agreement that I would not go against the Statement of Group Doctrine, which reads as follows:

1. The Holy Bible in it’s original manuscripts never fails and is never wrong. It is the inspired Word of God and constitutes God’s completed and final revelation.
2. God exists and has existed eternally in three persons: God the Father and Creator, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.
3. Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God, was born of a virgin, becoming a man, yet without sin. He perfectly fulfilled God’s requirements. He was crucified, buried, and rose again on the third day for the salvation of us all. He ascended to the Father, at whose right hand He eternally lives, to make intercession for those who will accept His substitutionary death for their sins. He is the only mediator, the Head of the Church, and the returning King. He is coming again to judge the living and the dead and to receive His own at the end of the age in fulfillment of prophesy.
4. All men have sinned by the violation of God’s righteous requirements and His holy character and are under His wrath and just condemnation. The central purpose of the coming of Jesus Christ was to pay for the penalty for man’s sin through his death on the cross providing salvation as a free gift to the sinner. This gift must be responded to by each individual through faith in the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ alone.

Wow- that’s a mouthful! Now, don’t get me wrong- if that’s your belief system, that’s fine with me. While looking at me, she said to the group that while we don’t have to believe in it, but we couldn’t go against it out loud to the kids.

She said, to illustrate her point further, “Say I was a Wiccan… (looking at me)”

At this point there were giggles throughout the room, and one woman the kids call the “crazy science teacher” said, “Somehow I can’t see you out in public in your birthday suit.” I believe everyone laughed, but suddenly I had a hot flash and the rest of the conversation went very dim.

This same “crazy science teacher”, by the way, is teaching a class at co-op this year, calling it an American History class, but changing historical facts to suit her religious zeal.

Anyway, I signed the form- I have no desire to “convert” anyone, I just want to have some social interaction for my kids, and Hanna needs the science labs. Maybe someday I will either find, or start a secular co-op, but until then, I will smile politely, as always.

Oh yeah- one other thing that gets my goat with this co-op: The lady that was doing all the talking wants to teach a class titled “Christian Yoga”.

“Christian Yoga – grades 9 - 12 and adults, ladies only – NO FEE Basic yoga for flexibility and strength. This class will be offered to girls exclusively and is geared towards high school girls. We will focus on the basic yoga poses and how these improve our posture and our strength. The basic theme is Christian without the OM or meditation factor being incorporated.”

Some things I need to let go…

A New Day

Today is a new day, the beginning of a new me, a new life. My heart is so wide open right now to all of the possibilties coming my way! I have had this song in my head for a few days...constantly. And why wouldn't I with these lyrics -which are from this day forward my theme to life :

"Be A Best Friend

Tell The Truth

And Overuse I Love You

Go To Work

Do Your Best

Don't Out Smart Your Common Sense

Never Let Your Prayin' Knees Get Lazy

And Love Like Crazy"

Here's the video of the entire song- very inspiring...

I guess that's all for tonight! Sweet Dreams!

PUSH!

My very first blog post here talked about me being “pregnant”. The other day, I felt like a radical change was coming- ready or not. I felt like I just wanted to explode- to become primal and scream and just push this energy out. Since then, I have been doing a lot of listening, a lot of journaling (not to mention a lot of house cleaning), and I just want to spend a little time catching up on what’s been going on. I guess the best way to do it, is to let you in on my journaling. So here goes.

July 29…(this was the initial day)

I had intended a passion-filled entry about how I’m going to explode- how I can’t live like this anymore- how it took everything I had to hold back the tears while the kids were awake, but I am all out of gas, and it’s nothing new.

For years I have been saying that my marriage is over, that I need to get out. And yet, here I am still here. Not only am I still here, but I am no closer to being able to leave than I was a year, 5 years, 10 years, or even 15 years ago. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, and not doing a damn thing about it. I am still just as penniless as before. I am still just as lazy ad unmotivated as before.

But this is where it has to change. I’m not sure if I thought it was just magically going to happen while I sat on my ass or what, but I need to take action. I need to get my head out of my butt and do something, anything to change my life.

Just for a minute I need to forget everybody else; Forget that anyone else exsists but me and decide what I need to do to take care of myself, without thinking about the benefit or detriment of the kids or anyone. Just me…

I want out of this marriage. I would rather live my life without a man forever than be married for another minute…

…Action! Action! Action! I need to take action!

And I need to take care of myself. I need to put myself first, and EVERYONE else later, this includes the kids. I have 4 amazing kids who have been very spoiled by having their mother give them everything, having their mother do everything- at the expense of their mother. I need to focus on me now…

…It’s time to get my ass in gear and get this marriage and lifestyle of “victimhood/survival” over, and it’s not going to happen in front of a television or a computer screen. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it time wasn’t wasted building it wither.


And then there is tonight’s entry:

July 31

I have decided that I am going to try and take time to earn and save money before I tell him I want a divorce, but if he tries to confront me on one of his useless arguments/putdown/blame sessions, I’m not going to hesitate and tell him there on the spot. And if I do tell him, I’m not going to back down again.

Susan was right- I could get a job waiting tables immediately, and between that and child support, I will be just fine. And I can still homeschool the kids. Hanna and Abbey are old enough to watch the little ones while I work. My mom started working when Susan was 5 or 6, why can’t I? And if something comes along that I can work from home- fantastic!

I feel very empowered right now. I feel like the ball is in my court-I am in control of my life for a change. I’m not afraid anymore that I can’t financially live without him. Even if I would have to give up this property, I know that something better is one the horizon. I haven’t felt this at peace with divorce since, well, ever. I’m ready. As of right now, there is no anger, no fear, no hostility. There is excitement, peace, and gratitude, and I sure can handle this!

And if this is the “idea child” I’ve been waiting to give birth to, it’s enough for me! But I think I have a lot to look forward to- Ya’ll ain’t seen nothin’ yet!



And now my loves, I am off to sleep! Sweet Dreams!

I'm A Dreamer

Ahhh- my new mug. Isn’t it pretty? What do you suppose I saw in this mug? There was a chapter in the book I am reading ( Cottage Witchery-Natural Magick for Hearth and Home, by Ellen Dugan) about reading tea leaves.

I must admit, I don’t do divination spells, I don’t read tarot cards, runes or tea leaves. I don’t know the symbolism of clouds, wax, or anything else by heart.

I am a dreamer. (I told ya’ll I sleep sometimes) Dreams can tell the future, help with solutions to problems, and given practice and suggestion, (repeating a question over and over until you fall asleep) dreams can give very specific and accurate answers.

There are probably hundreds, if not thousands of dream interpretation books on the market, and many give different symbolism for the same dream. I do refer to books on occasion, but my instinct is usually my best guide. I have learned through the years to trust my instincts (a lesson I continue to learn). My instincts can tell me whether it’s “just a dream” or if I need to look further into it.

For instance, I had a dream the other night that I met a gorgeous man, and was very interested in him- flirting and getting to know him. The next thing I know, I am walking through a crowded hotel/dormitory naked, looking for him.

If I referenced a book on being naked, it would generally tell me that I a.) have a secret I’m afraid of coming out, or b.) I am feeling vulnerable or c.) I’m afraid of being caught off guard. My instincts, as well as my past and present circumstances tell me that if I was to ever find a gorgeous man and want to enter a relationship, I need/want to show more vulnerability, to trust someone with my secrets/innermost thoughts, and to let someone take care of me instead of keeping up a 50 ft wall in self-defense.

I should also mention that no one was insulted by my nudity and I almost felt that it was a rite of passage as I walked through the rooms and the corridors.

Another dream I recently had took me to a party or shower. I walked into the party and I was the only white person in the room. A woman immediately grabbed me and told me I had to kiss her. The next thing I know, I am trying to drive home, but I am in a city and I am lost. Suddenly a black boy on a bicycle is opening my driver’s side door (while I am still driving), and is trying to get into the vehicle. I see that he is being chased by a dog so I let him in. He then says to me, “My dog won’t get on my bike”. Looking at him I screamed, “That’s your dog?” I stopped at a light and looked around and said, “Well, I am lost”. Then I woke up.

My instincts were all over this dream from the second I woke up. They told me that a.) since I’m not racist, the black people simply meant that I am surrounded by people that are nothing like me, and the kiss was a symbol of doing things my true self wouldn’t normally do, or care to do. Honestly, this is a given in my life right now.

The boy and his dog represent the fact that I am so quick to “rescue” people, I don’t always know what I am getting myself into. I “rescue” people that, in fact, don’t really need rescuing.

The fact that I was lost (very common theme) could mean a few relevant things. I feel lost right now living among people that I don’t belong with. It also means that I am lost, looking for my way “home” to people, situations and a life I do belong to.

Now normally, I would pose a question the next night such as, “How do I get home?” or even “What’s my next step” or I could ask for my next dream to elaborate on the previous dream, but honestly, I have been so exhausted by bedtime since then that all I can think about is my head hitting the pillow.

Here’s a problem I have with other people’s dream interpretations: If any of you had the same dream(s) as me, they could mean something completely different. We are not cookies made with one cutter. We all have unique situations and issues to work through. This is where your own instincts are the best interpreters you can have.


P.S. What did I see in my new mug? My new kitchen color scheme- what a piece of inspiration! See, I can tell the future!

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Tonight is when I celebrate the Summer Solstice, or midsummer. It is also known as Litha in come Craft circles, though I find Midsummer so much more romantic.

Summer Solstice is generally the longest day and shortest night of the year. From here on out, the days get shorter, the nights get longer...you get it.

Midsummer/ Litha is the peak of fertility, used to celebrate love, health, purification, and dedication. (thanks to Ann Moura in Green Witchcraft)

For the kids, it’s all about the faeries- we made banana bread which we gave a plateful covered in honey and milk to our favorite little folk. We bless them and thank them for watching over us and the garden. (A little bribe never hurts!) It’s great to see the kids faces when they go outside the next morning and see the plate cleaned off!

For me, well, lets face it- I’m not a big ritual person. I made and canned 17 ½ pints of strawberry-rhubarb jam, infusing it all with love, happiness, and abundance, and now I’m set to sit in peace and quiet reflection about the coming days and months. I will definitely send my gratitude to the Lady and Lord for watching over the kids and I, and the wonderful, blessed life we are able to live.

And on that note, I will leave you with a beautiful poem my dear friend, Lot Valentina Mejías was wonderful enough to include me in on…

A Prayer to the Sun

The sun is high above us

shining down upon the land and sea,

making things grow and bloom.

Great and powerful sun,

we honor you this day

and thank you for your gifts.

You are the light over the crops,

the heat that warms the earth,

the hope that springs eternal,

the bringer of life.

We welcome you,

and we honor you this day,

celebrating your light,

as we begin our journey once more

into the darkness.

So Mote It Be!

Summer Solstice

A Facebook friend of mine was posting about how she is feeling as the Summer Solstice arrives. I tried in vain to describe how I was feeling: “I have a very strong determination to get things done.” “I am feeling very feminine-very strong, emotional, sexy, and nurturing. I am usually more in touch with a more masculine side- being tough, physically strong, etc”.

This was all correct, but I was still missing something- something major. And then the perfect description came to me. I feel PREGNANT, and not just pregnant, but almost due, ready-to-pop pregnant! As soon as the thought hit me, I felt my spirit relax and I heard a voice say “finally!”(I had a vision of a small person flop back into a chair exhausted-LOL)

This is most definitely an A-HA moment. You know, one of those moments where everything comes together and finally makes sense?!

In case you’re new to my life, I am not physically pregnant- I am at the end of a bad marriage (17 years today), and the only way I could possibly become pregnant is if Pan himself came in when I was sleeping. ;)

I AM pregnant, however with ideas, possibilities, a whole new creation of me. I feel like I am pregnant with the Universe- everything just waiting to be born, and re-born.

I have spent the last 17+ years pretending I am someone I’m not- shutting down emotionally to spare the pain of verbal, mental, and spiritual abuse. Now I am waking up- I have a whole world to discover, to see, smell, hear, and most definitely feel. I have a voice to sing, a body to dance, and I want to do it for the world to see! Am I crazy for wanting to scream from a mountain, “I AM WOMAN-HEAR ME ROAR!!!!”?

Goodnight my Loves!