Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Blah, Blah, Blah

The only thing my crazy voices are saying tonight is, “blah, blah, blah”. Today has been all about redundancy. I went on Facebook and got the “seen it, read it” feeling, my life is going down a “been there, done that” path lately. I’ve been thinking about cycles all day- lunar, menstrual, seasons, growing, etc.. Cycles are the epitome of redundancy.

I have to admit, redundancy is a big pet peeve of mine. It bothers me to no end when I have to do the same thing twice; Clean it, then clean it again, pull weeds, and pull them again. I am a recovering adrenaline junky- I crave the spice of life. Yes, I long for peace, but can’t peace be spicy? I love fun, new, exciting, and invigorating! My peace is found after accomplishing a new task, doing something I’ve never done before. My peace is the “on the way down” from the excitement high.

Don’t get me wrong- I don’t like drama and I’m not a big fan of crisis (though I deal with them pretty well). I crave good excitement- climbing the mountain, experiencing everything.

I guess, just like the moon, we have our excitement- our fullness, but we also must have our times of rest- where we are hidden, dark, tucked away. Blah, blah, blah- not my favorite time. Apparently there is a syncing issue with Luna and myself- she’s out there bright and flashy and I’m just blah.

I have realized (again) tonight that I have a long way to go to achieve this rest, recuperation, relaxation thing I keep talking about. My mind calls it boredom and gets irritated. Hoe do you achieve peace during these periods? I see commercials of women lying in a bubble bath, looking blissfully peaceful. I’m a shower girl myself- in, out, and on to the next thing.

My problem is that I can’t stay grounded for very long. I have tried the meditation exercises creating the root from myself to the earth, but I have never been able to keep it there very long. Is it the Aquarian in me? And besides sleeping, I’m not sure I know what “rest” really means. I guess I don’t really give myself the opportunity to figure it out.

If there’s anybody out there- please let me know- How do YOU rest, recuperate, and relax? How do you stay grounded? And how do you deal with the “blah, blah blah’s”?

P.S. I always write these posts by hand before typing them in on the computer. As soon as I finished writing this, I was getting up to come to the computer when a frog jumped out of my couch! What the heck?! I picked up the little intruder and put it outside in the lawn. So much for the blah, blah, blah, huh?

Sleep well everyone!

Monday, August 23, 2010

And So I Sit...

Damn full moon-I had such an awesome day today- complete satisfaction with life, yet here I sit now, almost ready to cry. I am so sad. I’m not sad for me though. I’m not even sad for anyone in particular. I feel the sadness of the entire planet. My heart is just breaking for everyone, everywhere, but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it seems that everywhere I turn, I hear another sad story. One friend, with four kids, is being evicted from her home, one is grieving the loss of a parent, one with marital problems. Some have sick children, others are just in way over their heads, and tonight I feel for them all, I cry for them all.

I don’t claim to have psychic powers- if I can feel it, I would think everyone can. Perhaps I am opening myself up more to the universe, and this is part of some sort of ‘give and take’. But while I’m feeling all of the sadness out there, I want to try and remain open.

And so I sit…

Ok, who am I kidding- I’m sad, my head is aching now and my survival instinct is screaming at me to shut it down, make it stop, get rid of the pain.

And so I sit…

To confuse you even more, I also hear a small, gentle voice whispering “stay open, feel the feelings, don’t let go”.

Seriously, should I be alarmed with all the voices?! Hee hee…

And so I sit…

What I am actually finding so intriguing and amazing is that I feel the sadness, I hear the voices, but it’s not mine. It’s with me, but separate from me- Like I’m not involved at all. This is new- very new. And it’s actually kind of cool. I’m not ready to shut it off. And as I sit, and take away the survival mind (fear), it almost sounds like a song.

But what the heck does it mean? Why Me? Why Now? Is there a message? Have I completely lost my mind?

And will I ever post an entry with more answers than questions? Stay tuned to find out.

I’m going to sign off, lie in the light of the full moon, and just listen.

P.S. I know my posts can be really confusing- even contradicting, all in the same post. Sometimes they actually take several hours to write- I sit with a notebook and listen to the crazy voices, writing when something hits- Tonight I wrote “And so I sit”- sometimes it’s 5 minutes, sometimes 45 minutes…What you’re actually reading is my complete thought process minus all the dribble (what do I need at the store, dang I’m tired, I shouldn’t have had that extra helping at dinner, etc). See maybe I’m not as crazy as ya’ll thought I was- or maybe I’m worse. LOL

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Why It Is Wise To Worship A Woman

Here's the article I was just talking about- this had me in tears. I think all men should read this.

Why It Is Wise To Worship A Woman by Arjuna Ardagh

A few days ago, after a particularly exquisite evening with my wife Chameli, I put this post up on Facebook before going to bed:

"I have had many, many great teachers in my life. A super abundance. No one and nothing comes close to the woman who is now asleep in the bedroom. My marriage has become the guru, the salvation, the muse, the crack through which the divine shines through."

When I woke up the next morning, there were the usual offerings of people who liked the post as well as comments. One man had the vulnerability and courage to post this on facebook:

"Thank you Arjuna for this sharing, I feel like [I'm] in front of a choice which is between feeling envious of what you have and I don't, or instead to decide that 'I want that too,' and, as you show, it is possible..."

I was touched.

Over the next days, I got several more messages like this from men: vulnerable men, honest men, rare and courageous men. They came in as private messages on Facebook or through our website, and they all said basically the same thing:

"I read your Facebook post. I want what you have. Show me how to get it."

So, friends, here it is. The short guide on how to worship a woman, and why it's the wisest thing that a man can do. First of all, lets pop a few very understandable doubts that you might have. I'm familiar with all of them.

1. "I'm wounded and damaged in my relationships to the feminine."So am I, dear brother, so am I. My parents divorced in a messy way when I was four. I grew up alone with my mother. She did her very best to provide for me, but she was unhappy and insecure. By the time I started to have relationships with women myself in my early teens, I discovered that I had a mountain of resentments, fears, and separation in my relation to the feminine. The conscious practice of worship can become a part of healing the wounds.

2. "Arjuna, you're lucky. You've got an incredible partner. I'm together with a woman who's not like Chameli."

I really don't have the ultimate answer to that doubt or question. It certainly could seem to be the case that I've been lucky in finding a great woman, but here's how it happened for me. I've had a lot of less lucky connections in my life. I've experienced my share of the manipulative side of the feminine: the victim, the rageful, the vengeful. And I have seen the ugly side of the masculine psyche in myself. A few weeks prior to meeting Chameli, my wife, something deep and profound shifted in me, which I believe can shift for anyone in the same way.

3. "I don't have a partner at all, and I sometimes doubt if I'll ever meet anybody."Being with a partner where worship is not flowing, or not being with a partner at all, are basically two aspects of the same situation: you've had an intuition or a glimpse of the possibilities of a deeper love, and you want more of it. The solutions are the same.

4. "I feel my heart is closed down. I live in my head a lot, and I wouldn't even know what worship was if it broke into my house at 2 o'clock in the morning and held me at gunpoint."That's where the whole thing starts for all of us, when we realize that we don't yet know how to love. And that's that the big question that you have to consider: "Is that okay with me?" Never mind how much money you make, or how many friends you have on Facebook, no matter how nice a house you live in, or no matter how big a car you drive, no matter how impressive your partner's bust size, or how much you meditate and become spiritual... have you loved for real, in a total and undefended way? If not, and here's where you have to be honest with yourself, is that OK with you? Is it OK to die one day without the heart's gift having been fully given?

Eight or nine years ago, I came to that question in myself, exactly that, and I discovered that the answer was, if I was was raw and vulnerable and uncomplicated, that it was actually not OK. If I died one day without having fully loved, it would not have truly been a life well lived.

Many many years ago, I went to Bali for a vacation, on my own. I met up with some other young travelers there and we hired a Jeep to take us on a tour of the island. We drove up right to the highest point of the island, where Tourists don't usually go. Our guide took us to one of the most sacred temples. It was surrounded by a big brick wall with an ornate entrance. After removing our shoes and wrapping scarves around our heads, we stepped together through this entrance. Inside, there was a short courtyard and then another brick wall with another entrance. After more preparations of lighting incense and giving offerings, we stepped through the second entrance. We were allowed to go through the opening in one more wall, but that was it. All together there were ten walls around the deity in the middle. Hindus could go beyond the fourth wall. Devotees of that particular deity could go beyond the fifth wall, and so it went on. The only people allowed to approach the deity directly were those who had given their lives completely and totally to its worship. Everyone else could come a little closer, a little closer, to the innermost beauty, but not all the way to the center.

I'm not a big believer of the worship of statues, but there's a beautiful symbolism to what I saw there, because a woman's heart is just like that. At the essence of every woman's heart is the divine feminine. It contains everything that has ever been beautiful, or lovely, or inspiring, in any woman, anywhere, at any time. The very essence of every woman's heart is the peak of wisdom, the peak of inspiration, the peak of sexual desirability, the peak of soothing, healing love. The peak of everything. But it's protected, for good reason, by a series of concentric walls. To move inwardly from one wall to the next requires that you intensify your capacity to devotion, and as you do so, you are rewarded with Grace. This is not something you can negotiate verbally with a woman. She doesn't even know consciously how to open those gates herself. They are opened magically and invisibly by the keys of worship.

Continue Reading...

Reposted from: Huffington Post

I wish I could've reposted the whole article here, but this is what my blogger friends told me to do. I highly encourage you to read the entire article, and even show it to all the men in your life. Remember we are all one with the Goddess, we are all Goddesses, and deserve to be treated as Goddesses!

Phenomenal Woman

I'm still working on my Trust post, this is a HUGE issue for me- I may need a little time. But I saw this poem today and it's just too beautiful to pass by. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

As women, we are all Goddesses, we are all one with the divine, and we are all beautiful!

I also have a fantastic, beautiful article I want to post that works well with this- I'm still trying to figure out how to do it...hopefully it will be posted soon!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Breathe, Baby, Just Breathe

Ahhhhh- Ever just need to stop and remind yourself to breathe? I find myself doing it more and more, whether it’s because I make myself so busy, or I get frustrated easier these days, or a combination of both. Breathe, Baby, Just Breathe.

Breathe with me…Big Inhale…Hold it…and Exhale. Ahhhhh- doesn’t that feel great?

Two words have been constantly brought up in my life lately- Trust and Respect. Over and over. I don’t know if I’ll get to both tonight, but both of these words, both of these lessons are definitely a theme for me and they’re here because I need to address them thoroughly and immediately.

Let’s start with Respect. I seem to be clamoring on about this lately. “He doesn’t respect me”, “My kids don’t respect me”, “No one respects my stuff”. You get the picture. Is all of this true? Heck yeah. Do I have a reason to be angry? Hell yeah and it’s about time!

But hang on a minute- My small voice (there I go again with the voices) reminded me this weekend during one of my “grumble under my breath” sessions that our outside world is a mirror of our inside world. Could it be that my REAL issue is self-respect? It’s really easy to complain about how other people aren’t respecting me or my stuff, but I don’t respect myself?! OUCH!

I can’t even call this an “AHA” moment. This one has to go down as a “Well DUH” moment. I overwork, under-eat, poison, never sleep, down talk, second guess, and otherwise torture myself- and I complain about what other people are doing to me?!

And what the heck is this whole self- respect thing and how do you do it? Well, I could start by not over working myself, eating healthier, getting my rest, positive self talk, trust my instinct, and otherwise stop torturing myself. Piece of cake, right?

Inhale…hold it…Exhale…

This is not just me either- so many people are suffering from a lack of self respect. Is it that we don’t have time anymore in our “gotta have/gotta do it now” lives? Is it because there’s no pill for it yet? Ugh.

Let me put it a different way. I have a great best friend. I love her to death. I speak to her kindly, I listen intently when she speaks, I support her unconditionally, and I love her for exactly who she is. I have her back when she needs me (even when she doesn’t), and while it breaks my heart to see her in pain, sometimes I’m just the shoulder for her tears.

What if we treated ourselves the way we treat our best friends? What if we treated ourselves the way we treat our children, mothers, sisters, and yes, I’ll say it- our pets? I know it’s easier said than done, but I know women who respect themselves. I see the light in their eyes. I hear the peace in their voices. And I see the way it overflows from them onto everyone they come into contact with. I want to be that way. I want to infect people with peace, love, inspiration, and respect. I know these women have to work at it, but they are doing it- and they do it for themselves first, not for anyone else- how freakin’ awesome is that?

So, I’m going to start small (of you believe that, you don’t know me) and work with my last post: rest, recuperation, and rejuvenation. I’m not talking about being lazy, or a spa trip (come on, why can’t that be a light bulb moment?! giggle). I’m talking about listening to my body, listening to my heart, and listening to my soul. Not just hearing- actually listening. When my body says, “slow down”, I’ll slow down. When my heart says, “stop”, I’ll stop. And when my soul says “Breathe” I’ll…

Inhale…hold it…Exhale…

And I will trust, but that is another topic for another day.
Here's a treat- since it goes with my topic AND it's just sooooo classic!

Monday, August 9, 2010


Tonight is the new moon. I’ve read so much about this particular new moon and big changes, Eris and chaos, and the intensity of energy, but as I quiet myself and just BE, I have, well, nothing. No great happiness, no intense rage, no motivation to change NOW, nothing. Don’t mistake this for indifference, it’s not that either- it’s that I’m feeling absolutely neutral.

I have to admit, I’m uncomfortable with neutral. Elation…sure. Rage…oh yeah, but neutral? I am even a little afraid of neutral. Part of me, especially in light of all the change and chaos talk, is wondering if this is a calm before a storm. There’s a voice telling me to rest and recoup while I can.

Yet another voice tells me this “neutral” is a reminder that even in times of change and chaos, global or personal, I am always taken care of, supported, that I’ll be okay. My friend Vanessa Smith at http://www.coachvanessa.com/ talked about floating on your back, letting go, and being supported just today. This can be quite a conflict with the survivalist mentality I have had my whole life.

So, which is it? Is this the calm before the storm, or a quiet, gentle reminder that I am always able to be calm, supported or taken care of?

Well, now that I’ve admitted to multiple voices in my head, I’m going to go waaaayyyy out on a limb and say it’s all correct.

I have already made up my mind that big changes are coming for me- that’s no big shocker or secret. And any calm should be seen as a time of reflection, rest, recuperation, and rejuvenation. Without times like this, it’s easy to stay in a perpetual “survival” mindset, something I am desperately trying to get out of.

But, in order to get out of that mindset, I need to trust (another word I can’t seem to get away from lately) that I will be taken care of, supported, that the Lord and the Lady have my back. I know deep inside my soul that they do, it just gets lost in the clamor of constant activity and diversions.

When we are children, we need to feel the security and trust that our parents will take care of us. Sometimes, things happen that cause us to lose that security and trust- sometimes it’s our parents, and sometimes it’s events out of their control, but when we lose that, it’s gone. We grow up lost, insecure, and untrusting- Survival mode. It’s been more than 30 years, but I am feeling the arms of the Great Mother around me, a homecoming of sorts. I really know that embrace of trust and security- that no matter what storm comes, I will be more than okay, I will be bigger, and better, and wiser. Now I can lay back and float, knowing I will be supported.

I’m feeling a lot better about neutral now-

New Moon Blessings to All!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Stirring the Cauldron

What a beautiful image of the Goddess Cerridwen stirring her cauldron!

First off, I want to post my journal entry for the other night- I wasn’t originally going to post it, but I think it’ll be good for me, an exercise in showing myself that “The downs are not flaws that need to be hidden, pushed aside, or be embarrassed of... I'm learning to just sit with the downs- accept them for what they are- an essential part of healing and growth.” – my facebook status from yesterday. So, here goes…

P.S. If cussing offends you- skip this entry…Sorry.

August 3, 2010

Today I feel beat up, wore out, and burnt out. I need a break- I haven’t had 24 hours away from everything in over a year. I love my kids to death, but the only time I have to myself is after 11 p.m., and with Hanna and Abbey coming out for this and that, even after 11 p.m. is not a guarantee. And what really pisses me off is that when I suggested I went just over to Timms Ford Park to go camping a day earlier than the rest of the family for a break, I was accused of going to meet someone. Give me a fucking break!

All I could think about tonight was at least when I’m divorced, I’ll get some time to myself. Isn’t that sad??? I need to get a divorce just so I can spend some time by myself. (there is a section of typing that gets crossed out) You know what? I was just going to write excuses for him! Fuck that! Imagine if he had to work 7 days a week, 18 hours a day without ever taking a vacation- this is bullshit! And when he said he needed a vacation more than any of us did!!! REALLY?!!!

I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I almost let him have it tonight, but as usual, I clammed up. HELLO! I WANT A DIVORCE!!

People keep saying they want to be like me. People want to be like the me I let them see. They don’t see the depressed, burnt out, procrastinating whimp I really am. Shoot, every one of these people would have divorced him by now- job or no job. Hell, I want to be the person I portray myself to be. Sad day.

Ok, there it is- for the world to read…kind of.

Let’s move on, shall we?

Last night I cried myself to sleep because I was so lonely. That is not like me at all. I think I am reaching a point of no return. I have asked myself for years, “How bad does it have to get before I leave”, and I think that’s the point I am at. Yes, I’ll admit it- I’m lonely. But you know what? I’m not just lonely for a lover, I’m lonely for people in general who understand me; people I share interests with- deep intellectual, spiritual interests. Not that I have anything against all of these God-fearing Christians, and I love the few friends I have, but I am so different than them. I seem to be most lonely in a crowd- pick a crowd, any crowd in my life right now- they’re all the same.

Would it be so hard to find people I can share things with? I have internet friends I can, but I miss physical touch- real people, but people that when I converse with, hug, or more someday, it feels special, sacred even- an actual communing of spirit.

You know, I think that’s all everyone wants in life- To feel connected, wanted, loved on a sacred, spiritual level. This place, these people, while some of them are wonderful, are not “my” people.

So, I guess, with intent, I ask for people to come into my life- in my real, physical life that I truly, intellectually, spiritually resonate with. And I guess the way to attract these people into my life is to BE truly intellectually and spiritually myself!

Honestly, just by putting that down on paper (and here on the blog) I felt the energy change, like the stirring of a big pot- or cauldron if you will.

Here is where life gets interesting!

Good night!

P.S. I want to share a beautiful quote that a friend posted today-

“‎It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -Alan Cohen