Sunday, August 1, 2010


My very first blog post here talked about me being “pregnant”. The other day, I felt like a radical change was coming- ready or not. I felt like I just wanted to explode- to become primal and scream and just push this energy out. Since then, I have been doing a lot of listening, a lot of journaling (not to mention a lot of house cleaning), and I just want to spend a little time catching up on what’s been going on. I guess the best way to do it, is to let you in on my journaling. So here goes.

July 29…(this was the initial day)

I had intended a passion-filled entry about how I’m going to explode- how I can’t live like this anymore- how it took everything I had to hold back the tears while the kids were awake, but I am all out of gas, and it’s nothing new.

For years I have been saying that my marriage is over, that I need to get out. And yet, here I am still here. Not only am I still here, but I am no closer to being able to leave than I was a year, 5 years, 10 years, or even 15 years ago. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, and not doing a damn thing about it. I am still just as penniless as before. I am still just as lazy ad unmotivated as before.

But this is where it has to change. I’m not sure if I thought it was just magically going to happen while I sat on my ass or what, but I need to take action. I need to get my head out of my butt and do something, anything to change my life.

Just for a minute I need to forget everybody else; Forget that anyone else exsists but me and decide what I need to do to take care of myself, without thinking about the benefit or detriment of the kids or anyone. Just me…

I want out of this marriage. I would rather live my life without a man forever than be married for another minute…

…Action! Action! Action! I need to take action!

And I need to take care of myself. I need to put myself first, and EVERYONE else later, this includes the kids. I have 4 amazing kids who have been very spoiled by having their mother give them everything, having their mother do everything- at the expense of their mother. I need to focus on me now…

…It’s time to get my ass in gear and get this marriage and lifestyle of “victimhood/survival” over, and it’s not going to happen in front of a television or a computer screen. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it time wasn’t wasted building it wither.

And then there is tonight’s entry:

July 31

I have decided that I am going to try and take time to earn and save money before I tell him I want a divorce, but if he tries to confront me on one of his useless arguments/putdown/blame sessions, I’m not going to hesitate and tell him there on the spot. And if I do tell him, I’m not going to back down again.

Susan was right- I could get a job waiting tables immediately, and between that and child support, I will be just fine. And I can still homeschool the kids. Hanna and Abbey are old enough to watch the little ones while I work. My mom started working when Susan was 5 or 6, why can’t I? And if something comes along that I can work from home- fantastic!

I feel very empowered right now. I feel like the ball is in my court-I am in control of my life for a change. I’m not afraid anymore that I can’t financially live without him. Even if I would have to give up this property, I know that something better is one the horizon. I haven’t felt this at peace with divorce since, well, ever. I’m ready. As of right now, there is no anger, no fear, no hostility. There is excitement, peace, and gratitude, and I sure can handle this!

And if this is the “idea child” I’ve been waiting to give birth to, it’s enough for me! But I think I have a lot to look forward to- Ya’ll ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

And now my loves, I am off to sleep! Sweet Dreams!

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