Monday, August 23, 2010

And So I Sit...

Damn full moon-I had such an awesome day today- complete satisfaction with life, yet here I sit now, almost ready to cry. I am so sad. I’m not sad for me though. I’m not even sad for anyone in particular. I feel the sadness of the entire planet. My heart is just breaking for everyone, everywhere, but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it seems that everywhere I turn, I hear another sad story. One friend, with four kids, is being evicted from her home, one is grieving the loss of a parent, one with marital problems. Some have sick children, others are just in way over their heads, and tonight I feel for them all, I cry for them all.

I don’t claim to have psychic powers- if I can feel it, I would think everyone can. Perhaps I am opening myself up more to the universe, and this is part of some sort of ‘give and take’. But while I’m feeling all of the sadness out there, I want to try and remain open.

And so I sit…

Ok, who am I kidding- I’m sad, my head is aching now and my survival instinct is screaming at me to shut it down, make it stop, get rid of the pain.

And so I sit…

To confuse you even more, I also hear a small, gentle voice whispering “stay open, feel the feelings, don’t let go”.

Seriously, should I be alarmed with all the voices?! Hee hee…

And so I sit…

What I am actually finding so intriguing and amazing is that I feel the sadness, I hear the voices, but it’s not mine. It’s with me, but separate from me- Like I’m not involved at all. This is new- very new. And it’s actually kind of cool. I’m not ready to shut it off. And as I sit, and take away the survival mind (fear), it almost sounds like a song.

But what the heck does it mean? Why Me? Why Now? Is there a message? Have I completely lost my mind?

And will I ever post an entry with more answers than questions? Stay tuned to find out.

I’m going to sign off, lie in the light of the full moon, and just listen.

P.S. I know my posts can be really confusing- even contradicting, all in the same post. Sometimes they actually take several hours to write- I sit with a notebook and listen to the crazy voices, writing when something hits- Tonight I wrote “And so I sit”- sometimes it’s 5 minutes, sometimes 45 minutes…What you’re actually reading is my complete thought process minus all the dribble (what do I need at the store, dang I’m tired, I shouldn’t have had that extra helping at dinner, etc). See maybe I’m not as crazy as ya’ll thought I was- or maybe I’m worse. LOL

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