Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Blah, Blah, Blah

The only thing my crazy voices are saying tonight is, “blah, blah, blah”. Today has been all about redundancy. I went on Facebook and got the “seen it, read it” feeling, my life is going down a “been there, done that” path lately. I’ve been thinking about cycles all day- lunar, menstrual, seasons, growing, etc.. Cycles are the epitome of redundancy.

I have to admit, redundancy is a big pet peeve of mine. It bothers me to no end when I have to do the same thing twice; Clean it, then clean it again, pull weeds, and pull them again. I am a recovering adrenaline junky- I crave the spice of life. Yes, I long for peace, but can’t peace be spicy? I love fun, new, exciting, and invigorating! My peace is found after accomplishing a new task, doing something I’ve never done before. My peace is the “on the way down” from the excitement high.

Don’t get me wrong- I don’t like drama and I’m not a big fan of crisis (though I deal with them pretty well). I crave good excitement- climbing the mountain, experiencing everything.

I guess, just like the moon, we have our excitement- our fullness, but we also must have our times of rest- where we are hidden, dark, tucked away. Blah, blah, blah- not my favorite time. Apparently there is a syncing issue with Luna and myself- she’s out there bright and flashy and I’m just blah.

I have realized (again) tonight that I have a long way to go to achieve this rest, recuperation, relaxation thing I keep talking about. My mind calls it boredom and gets irritated. Hoe do you achieve peace during these periods? I see commercials of women lying in a bubble bath, looking blissfully peaceful. I’m a shower girl myself- in, out, and on to the next thing.

My problem is that I can’t stay grounded for very long. I have tried the meditation exercises creating the root from myself to the earth, but I have never been able to keep it there very long. Is it the Aquarian in me? And besides sleeping, I’m not sure I know what “rest” really means. I guess I don’t really give myself the opportunity to figure it out.

If there’s anybody out there- please let me know- How do YOU rest, recuperate, and relax? How do you stay grounded? And how do you deal with the “blah, blah blah’s”?

P.S. I always write these posts by hand before typing them in on the computer. As soon as I finished writing this, I was getting up to come to the computer when a frog jumped out of my couch! What the heck?! I picked up the little intruder and put it outside in the lawn. So much for the blah, blah, blah, huh?

Sleep well everyone!

Monday, August 23, 2010

And So I Sit...

Damn full moon-I had such an awesome day today- complete satisfaction with life, yet here I sit now, almost ready to cry. I am so sad. I’m not sad for me though. I’m not even sad for anyone in particular. I feel the sadness of the entire planet. My heart is just breaking for everyone, everywhere, but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it seems that everywhere I turn, I hear another sad story. One friend, with four kids, is being evicted from her home, one is grieving the loss of a parent, one with marital problems. Some have sick children, others are just in way over their heads, and tonight I feel for them all, I cry for them all.

I don’t claim to have psychic powers- if I can feel it, I would think everyone can. Perhaps I am opening myself up more to the universe, and this is part of some sort of ‘give and take’. But while I’m feeling all of the sadness out there, I want to try and remain open.

And so I sit…

Ok, who am I kidding- I’m sad, my head is aching now and my survival instinct is screaming at me to shut it down, make it stop, get rid of the pain.

And so I sit…

To confuse you even more, I also hear a small, gentle voice whispering “stay open, feel the feelings, don’t let go”.

Seriously, should I be alarmed with all the voices?! Hee hee…

And so I sit…

What I am actually finding so intriguing and amazing is that I feel the sadness, I hear the voices, but it’s not mine. It’s with me, but separate from me- Like I’m not involved at all. This is new- very new. And it’s actually kind of cool. I’m not ready to shut it off. And as I sit, and take away the survival mind (fear), it almost sounds like a song.

But what the heck does it mean? Why Me? Why Now? Is there a message? Have I completely lost my mind?

And will I ever post an entry with more answers than questions? Stay tuned to find out.

I’m going to sign off, lie in the light of the full moon, and just listen.

P.S. I know my posts can be really confusing- even contradicting, all in the same post. Sometimes they actually take several hours to write- I sit with a notebook and listen to the crazy voices, writing when something hits- Tonight I wrote “And so I sit”- sometimes it’s 5 minutes, sometimes 45 minutes…What you’re actually reading is my complete thought process minus all the dribble (what do I need at the store, dang I’m tired, I shouldn’t have had that extra helping at dinner, etc). See maybe I’m not as crazy as ya’ll thought I was- or maybe I’m worse. LOL

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Why It Is Wise To Worship A Woman

Here's the article I was just talking about- this had me in tears. I think all men should read this.

Why It Is Wise To Worship A Woman by Arjuna Ardagh

A few days ago, after a particularly exquisite evening with my wife Chameli, I put this post up on Facebook before going to bed:

"I have had many, many great teachers in my life. A super abundance. No one and nothing comes close to the woman who is now asleep in the bedroom. My marriage has become the guru, the salvation, the muse, the crack through which the divine shines through."

When I woke up the next morning, there were the usual offerings of people who liked the post as well as comments. One man had the vulnerability and courage to post this on facebook:

"Thank you Arjuna for this sharing, I feel like [I'm] in front of a choice which is between feeling envious of what you have and I don't, or instead to decide that 'I want that too,' and, as you show, it is possible..."

I was touched.

Over the next days, I got several more messages like this from men: vulnerable men, honest men, rare and courageous men. They came in as private messages on Facebook or through our website, and they all said basically the same thing:

"I read your Facebook post. I want what you have. Show me how to get it."

So, friends, here it is. The short guide on how to worship a woman, and why it's the wisest thing that a man can do. First of all, lets pop a few very understandable doubts that you might have. I'm familiar with all of them.

1. "I'm wounded and damaged in my relationships to the feminine."So am I, dear brother, so am I. My parents divorced in a messy way when I was four. I grew up alone with my mother. She did her very best to provide for me, but she was unhappy and insecure. By the time I started to have relationships with women myself in my early teens, I discovered that I had a mountain of resentments, fears, and separation in my relation to the feminine. The conscious practice of worship can become a part of healing the wounds.

2. "Arjuna, you're lucky. You've got an incredible partner. I'm together with a woman who's not like Chameli."

I really don't have the ultimate answer to that doubt or question. It certainly could seem to be the case that I've been lucky in finding a great woman, but here's how it happened for me. I've had a lot of less lucky connections in my life. I've experienced my share of the manipulative side of the feminine: the victim, the rageful, the vengeful. And I have seen the ugly side of the masculine psyche in myself. A few weeks prior to meeting Chameli, my wife, something deep and profound shifted in me, which I believe can shift for anyone in the same way.

3. "I don't have a partner at all, and I sometimes doubt if I'll ever meet anybody."Being with a partner where worship is not flowing, or not being with a partner at all, are basically two aspects of the same situation: you've had an intuition or a glimpse of the possibilities of a deeper love, and you want more of it. The solutions are the same.

4. "I feel my heart is closed down. I live in my head a lot, and I wouldn't even know what worship was if it broke into my house at 2 o'clock in the morning and held me at gunpoint."That's where the whole thing starts for all of us, when we realize that we don't yet know how to love. And that's that the big question that you have to consider: "Is that okay with me?" Never mind how much money you make, or how many friends you have on Facebook, no matter how nice a house you live in, or no matter how big a car you drive, no matter how impressive your partner's bust size, or how much you meditate and become spiritual... have you loved for real, in a total and undefended way? If not, and here's where you have to be honest with yourself, is that OK with you? Is it OK to die one day without the heart's gift having been fully given?

Eight or nine years ago, I came to that question in myself, exactly that, and I discovered that the answer was, if I was was raw and vulnerable and uncomplicated, that it was actually not OK. If I died one day without having fully loved, it would not have truly been a life well lived.

Many many years ago, I went to Bali for a vacation, on my own. I met up with some other young travelers there and we hired a Jeep to take us on a tour of the island. We drove up right to the highest point of the island, where Tourists don't usually go. Our guide took us to one of the most sacred temples. It was surrounded by a big brick wall with an ornate entrance. After removing our shoes and wrapping scarves around our heads, we stepped together through this entrance. Inside, there was a short courtyard and then another brick wall with another entrance. After more preparations of lighting incense and giving offerings, we stepped through the second entrance. We were allowed to go through the opening in one more wall, but that was it. All together there were ten walls around the deity in the middle. Hindus could go beyond the fourth wall. Devotees of that particular deity could go beyond the fifth wall, and so it went on. The only people allowed to approach the deity directly were those who had given their lives completely and totally to its worship. Everyone else could come a little closer, a little closer, to the innermost beauty, but not all the way to the center.

I'm not a big believer of the worship of statues, but there's a beautiful symbolism to what I saw there, because a woman's heart is just like that. At the essence of every woman's heart is the divine feminine. It contains everything that has ever been beautiful, or lovely, or inspiring, in any woman, anywhere, at any time. The very essence of every woman's heart is the peak of wisdom, the peak of inspiration, the peak of sexual desirability, the peak of soothing, healing love. The peak of everything. But it's protected, for good reason, by a series of concentric walls. To move inwardly from one wall to the next requires that you intensify your capacity to devotion, and as you do so, you are rewarded with Grace. This is not something you can negotiate verbally with a woman. She doesn't even know consciously how to open those gates herself. They are opened magically and invisibly by the keys of worship.

Continue Reading...

Reposted from: Huffington Post

I wish I could've reposted the whole article here, but this is what my blogger friends told me to do. I highly encourage you to read the entire article, and even show it to all the men in your life. Remember we are all one with the Goddess, we are all Goddesses, and deserve to be treated as Goddesses!

Phenomenal Woman

I'm still working on my Trust post, this is a HUGE issue for me- I may need a little time. But I saw this poem today and it's just too beautiful to pass by. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

As women, we are all Goddesses, we are all one with the divine, and we are all beautiful!

I also have a fantastic, beautiful article I want to post that works well with this- I'm still trying to figure out how to do it...hopefully it will be posted soon!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Breathe, Baby, Just Breathe

Ahhhhh- Ever just need to stop and remind yourself to breathe? I find myself doing it more and more, whether it’s because I make myself so busy, or I get frustrated easier these days, or a combination of both. Breathe, Baby, Just Breathe.

Breathe with me…Big Inhale…Hold it…and Exhale. Ahhhhh- doesn’t that feel great?

Two words have been constantly brought up in my life lately- Trust and Respect. Over and over. I don’t know if I’ll get to both tonight, but both of these words, both of these lessons are definitely a theme for me and they’re here because I need to address them thoroughly and immediately.

Let’s start with Respect. I seem to be clamoring on about this lately. “He doesn’t respect me”, “My kids don’t respect me”, “No one respects my stuff”. You get the picture. Is all of this true? Heck yeah. Do I have a reason to be angry? Hell yeah and it’s about time!

But hang on a minute- My small voice (there I go again with the voices) reminded me this weekend during one of my “grumble under my breath” sessions that our outside world is a mirror of our inside world. Could it be that my REAL issue is self-respect? It’s really easy to complain about how other people aren’t respecting me or my stuff, but I don’t respect myself?! OUCH!

I can’t even call this an “AHA” moment. This one has to go down as a “Well DUH” moment. I overwork, under-eat, poison, never sleep, down talk, second guess, and otherwise torture myself- and I complain about what other people are doing to me?!

And what the heck is this whole self- respect thing and how do you do it? Well, I could start by not over working myself, eating healthier, getting my rest, positive self talk, trust my instinct, and otherwise stop torturing myself. Piece of cake, right?

Inhale…hold it…Exhale…

This is not just me either- so many people are suffering from a lack of self respect. Is it that we don’t have time anymore in our “gotta have/gotta do it now” lives? Is it because there’s no pill for it yet? Ugh.

Let me put it a different way. I have a great best friend. I love her to death. I speak to her kindly, I listen intently when she speaks, I support her unconditionally, and I love her for exactly who she is. I have her back when she needs me (even when she doesn’t), and while it breaks my heart to see her in pain, sometimes I’m just the shoulder for her tears.

What if we treated ourselves the way we treat our best friends? What if we treated ourselves the way we treat our children, mothers, sisters, and yes, I’ll say it- our pets? I know it’s easier said than done, but I know women who respect themselves. I see the light in their eyes. I hear the peace in their voices. And I see the way it overflows from them onto everyone they come into contact with. I want to be that way. I want to infect people with peace, love, inspiration, and respect. I know these women have to work at it, but they are doing it- and they do it for themselves first, not for anyone else- how freakin’ awesome is that?

So, I’m going to start small (of you believe that, you don’t know me) and work with my last post: rest, recuperation, and rejuvenation. I’m not talking about being lazy, or a spa trip (come on, why can’t that be a light bulb moment?! giggle). I’m talking about listening to my body, listening to my heart, and listening to my soul. Not just hearing- actually listening. When my body says, “slow down”, I’ll slow down. When my heart says, “stop”, I’ll stop. And when my soul says “Breathe” I’ll…

Inhale…hold it…Exhale…

And I will trust, but that is another topic for another day.
Here's a treat- since it goes with my topic AND it's just sooooo classic!

Monday, August 9, 2010


Tonight is the new moon. I’ve read so much about this particular new moon and big changes, Eris and chaos, and the intensity of energy, but as I quiet myself and just BE, I have, well, nothing. No great happiness, no intense rage, no motivation to change NOW, nothing. Don’t mistake this for indifference, it’s not that either- it’s that I’m feeling absolutely neutral.

I have to admit, I’m uncomfortable with neutral. Elation…sure. Rage…oh yeah, but neutral? I am even a little afraid of neutral. Part of me, especially in light of all the change and chaos talk, is wondering if this is a calm before a storm. There’s a voice telling me to rest and recoup while I can.

Yet another voice tells me this “neutral” is a reminder that even in times of change and chaos, global or personal, I am always taken care of, supported, that I’ll be okay. My friend Vanessa Smith at http://www.coachvanessa.com/ talked about floating on your back, letting go, and being supported just today. This can be quite a conflict with the survivalist mentality I have had my whole life.

So, which is it? Is this the calm before the storm, or a quiet, gentle reminder that I am always able to be calm, supported or taken care of?

Well, now that I’ve admitted to multiple voices in my head, I’m going to go waaaayyyy out on a limb and say it’s all correct.

I have already made up my mind that big changes are coming for me- that’s no big shocker or secret. And any calm should be seen as a time of reflection, rest, recuperation, and rejuvenation. Without times like this, it’s easy to stay in a perpetual “survival” mindset, something I am desperately trying to get out of.

But, in order to get out of that mindset, I need to trust (another word I can’t seem to get away from lately) that I will be taken care of, supported, that the Lord and the Lady have my back. I know deep inside my soul that they do, it just gets lost in the clamor of constant activity and diversions.

When we are children, we need to feel the security and trust that our parents will take care of us. Sometimes, things happen that cause us to lose that security and trust- sometimes it’s our parents, and sometimes it’s events out of their control, but when we lose that, it’s gone. We grow up lost, insecure, and untrusting- Survival mode. It’s been more than 30 years, but I am feeling the arms of the Great Mother around me, a homecoming of sorts. I really know that embrace of trust and security- that no matter what storm comes, I will be more than okay, I will be bigger, and better, and wiser. Now I can lay back and float, knowing I will be supported.

I’m feeling a lot better about neutral now-

New Moon Blessings to All!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Stirring the Cauldron

What a beautiful image of the Goddess Cerridwen stirring her cauldron!

First off, I want to post my journal entry for the other night- I wasn’t originally going to post it, but I think it’ll be good for me, an exercise in showing myself that “The downs are not flaws that need to be hidden, pushed aside, or be embarrassed of... I'm learning to just sit with the downs- accept them for what they are- an essential part of healing and growth.” – my facebook status from yesterday. So, here goes…

P.S. If cussing offends you- skip this entry…Sorry.

August 3, 2010

Today I feel beat up, wore out, and burnt out. I need a break- I haven’t had 24 hours away from everything in over a year. I love my kids to death, but the only time I have to myself is after 11 p.m., and with Hanna and Abbey coming out for this and that, even after 11 p.m. is not a guarantee. And what really pisses me off is that when I suggested I went just over to Timms Ford Park to go camping a day earlier than the rest of the family for a break, I was accused of going to meet someone. Give me a fucking break!

All I could think about tonight was at least when I’m divorced, I’ll get some time to myself. Isn’t that sad??? I need to get a divorce just so I can spend some time by myself. (there is a section of typing that gets crossed out) You know what? I was just going to write excuses for him! Fuck that! Imagine if he had to work 7 days a week, 18 hours a day without ever taking a vacation- this is bullshit! And when he said he needed a vacation more than any of us did!!! REALLY?!!!

I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I almost let him have it tonight, but as usual, I clammed up. HELLO! I WANT A DIVORCE!!

People keep saying they want to be like me. People want to be like the me I let them see. They don’t see the depressed, burnt out, procrastinating whimp I really am. Shoot, every one of these people would have divorced him by now- job or no job. Hell, I want to be the person I portray myself to be. Sad day.

Ok, there it is- for the world to read…kind of.

Let’s move on, shall we?

Last night I cried myself to sleep because I was so lonely. That is not like me at all. I think I am reaching a point of no return. I have asked myself for years, “How bad does it have to get before I leave”, and I think that’s the point I am at. Yes, I’ll admit it- I’m lonely. But you know what? I’m not just lonely for a lover, I’m lonely for people in general who understand me; people I share interests with- deep intellectual, spiritual interests. Not that I have anything against all of these God-fearing Christians, and I love the few friends I have, but I am so different than them. I seem to be most lonely in a crowd- pick a crowd, any crowd in my life right now- they’re all the same.

Would it be so hard to find people I can share things with? I have internet friends I can, but I miss physical touch- real people, but people that when I converse with, hug, or more someday, it feels special, sacred even- an actual communing of spirit.

You know, I think that’s all everyone wants in life- To feel connected, wanted, loved on a sacred, spiritual level. This place, these people, while some of them are wonderful, are not “my” people.

So, I guess, with intent, I ask for people to come into my life- in my real, physical life that I truly, intellectually, spiritually resonate with. And I guess the way to attract these people into my life is to BE truly intellectually and spiritually myself!

Honestly, just by putting that down on paper (and here on the blog) I felt the energy change, like the stirring of a big pot- or cauldron if you will.

Here is where life gets interesting!

Good night!

P.S. I want to share a beautiful quote that a friend posted today-

“‎It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -Alan Cohen

Monday, August 2, 2010

Aaahhhh- What to Do, What to Do!

First off, I want to take some time to talk about a problem I have. My husband seems to be in the habit of speaking poorly about me to my kids. Generally his opinion of me doesn’t bother me, but it is really bothering them to hear it.

Tonight, while I was out getting something in the van, he apparently said something to Abbey about me. After he went to bed, she told me about it, and told me that she really hated it when he did that. I told her that I was 38 years old, I didn’t care what other people thought of me, and that she shouldn’t either. I don’t think I made her feel any better.

I don’t talk poorly about him to the kids, or generally even when there is a chance they can hear me (they do eavesdrop on occasion). Regardless of how I feel about him, he is still their dad, and that’s that. Not to mention, he has a way of making himself look bad to them, they don’t need me making it worse.

So, my question is how to deal with this. Short of me telling them not to worry about it, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want to tell him- he’ll just get angry with them for tlling me. Any Advice?


My other issue is pretty much an non-issue, but I want to talk about why I put “A Green Witch in a Born Again World”. Tonight was the orientation for the homeschool co-op we go to. Yes, I live in the bible belt, and yes, this is a Christian co-op. I had to sign an agreement that I would not go against the Statement of Group Doctrine, which reads as follows:

1. The Holy Bible in it’s original manuscripts never fails and is never wrong. It is the inspired Word of God and constitutes God’s completed and final revelation.
2. God exists and has existed eternally in three persons: God the Father and Creator, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.
3. Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God, was born of a virgin, becoming a man, yet without sin. He perfectly fulfilled God’s requirements. He was crucified, buried, and rose again on the third day for the salvation of us all. He ascended to the Father, at whose right hand He eternally lives, to make intercession for those who will accept His substitutionary death for their sins. He is the only mediator, the Head of the Church, and the returning King. He is coming again to judge the living and the dead and to receive His own at the end of the age in fulfillment of prophesy.
4. All men have sinned by the violation of God’s righteous requirements and His holy character and are under His wrath and just condemnation. The central purpose of the coming of Jesus Christ was to pay for the penalty for man’s sin through his death on the cross providing salvation as a free gift to the sinner. This gift must be responded to by each individual through faith in the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ alone.

Wow- that’s a mouthful! Now, don’t get me wrong- if that’s your belief system, that’s fine with me. While looking at me, she said to the group that while we don’t have to believe in it, but we couldn’t go against it out loud to the kids.

She said, to illustrate her point further, “Say I was a Wiccan… (looking at me)”

At this point there were giggles throughout the room, and one woman the kids call the “crazy science teacher” said, “Somehow I can’t see you out in public in your birthday suit.” I believe everyone laughed, but suddenly I had a hot flash and the rest of the conversation went very dim.

This same “crazy science teacher”, by the way, is teaching a class at co-op this year, calling it an American History class, but changing historical facts to suit her religious zeal.

Anyway, I signed the form- I have no desire to “convert” anyone, I just want to have some social interaction for my kids, and Hanna needs the science labs. Maybe someday I will either find, or start a secular co-op, but until then, I will smile politely, as always.

Oh yeah- one other thing that gets my goat with this co-op: The lady that was doing all the talking wants to teach a class titled “Christian Yoga”.

“Christian Yoga – grades 9 - 12 and adults, ladies only – NO FEE Basic yoga for flexibility and strength. This class will be offered to girls exclusively and is geared towards high school girls. We will focus on the basic yoga poses and how these improve our posture and our strength. The basic theme is Christian without the OM or meditation factor being incorporated.”

Some things I need to let go…

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A New Day

Today is a new day, the beginning of a new me, a new life. My heart is so wide open right now to all of the possibilties coming my way! I have had this song in my head for a few days...constantly. And why wouldn't I with these lyrics -which are from this day forward my theme to life :

"Be A Best Friend

Tell The Truth

And Overuse I Love You

Go To Work

Do Your Best

Don't Out Smart Your Common Sense

Never Let Your Prayin' Knees Get Lazy

And Love Like Crazy"

Here's the video of the entire song- very inspiring...

I guess that's all for tonight! Sweet Dreams!


My very first blog post here talked about me being “pregnant”. The other day, I felt like a radical change was coming- ready or not. I felt like I just wanted to explode- to become primal and scream and just push this energy out. Since then, I have been doing a lot of listening, a lot of journaling (not to mention a lot of house cleaning), and I just want to spend a little time catching up on what’s been going on. I guess the best way to do it, is to let you in on my journaling. So here goes.

July 29…(this was the initial day)

I had intended a passion-filled entry about how I’m going to explode- how I can’t live like this anymore- how it took everything I had to hold back the tears while the kids were awake, but I am all out of gas, and it’s nothing new.

For years I have been saying that my marriage is over, that I need to get out. And yet, here I am still here. Not only am I still here, but I am no closer to being able to leave than I was a year, 5 years, 10 years, or even 15 years ago. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, and not doing a damn thing about it. I am still just as penniless as before. I am still just as lazy ad unmotivated as before.

But this is where it has to change. I’m not sure if I thought it was just magically going to happen while I sat on my ass or what, but I need to take action. I need to get my head out of my butt and do something, anything to change my life.

Just for a minute I need to forget everybody else; Forget that anyone else exsists but me and decide what I need to do to take care of myself, without thinking about the benefit or detriment of the kids or anyone. Just me…

I want out of this marriage. I would rather live my life without a man forever than be married for another minute…

…Action! Action! Action! I need to take action!

And I need to take care of myself. I need to put myself first, and EVERYONE else later, this includes the kids. I have 4 amazing kids who have been very spoiled by having their mother give them everything, having their mother do everything- at the expense of their mother. I need to focus on me now…

…It’s time to get my ass in gear and get this marriage and lifestyle of “victimhood/survival” over, and it’s not going to happen in front of a television or a computer screen. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it time wasn’t wasted building it wither.

And then there is tonight’s entry:

July 31

I have decided that I am going to try and take time to earn and save money before I tell him I want a divorce, but if he tries to confront me on one of his useless arguments/putdown/blame sessions, I’m not going to hesitate and tell him there on the spot. And if I do tell him, I’m not going to back down again.

Susan was right- I could get a job waiting tables immediately, and between that and child support, I will be just fine. And I can still homeschool the kids. Hanna and Abbey are old enough to watch the little ones while I work. My mom started working when Susan was 5 or 6, why can’t I? And if something comes along that I can work from home- fantastic!

I feel very empowered right now. I feel like the ball is in my court-I am in control of my life for a change. I’m not afraid anymore that I can’t financially live without him. Even if I would have to give up this property, I know that something better is one the horizon. I haven’t felt this at peace with divorce since, well, ever. I’m ready. As of right now, there is no anger, no fear, no hostility. There is excitement, peace, and gratitude, and I sure can handle this!

And if this is the “idea child” I’ve been waiting to give birth to, it’s enough for me! But I think I have a lot to look forward to- Ya’ll ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

And now my loves, I am off to sleep! Sweet Dreams!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I'm A Dreamer

Ahhh- my new mug. Isn’t it pretty? What do you suppose I saw in this mug? There was a chapter in the book I am reading ( Cottage Witchery-Natural Magick for Hearth and Home, by Ellen Dugan) about reading tea leaves.

I must admit, I don’t do divination spells, I don’t read tarot cards, runes or tea leaves. I don’t know the symbolism of clouds, wax, or anything else by heart.

I am a dreamer. (I told ya’ll I sleep sometimes) Dreams can tell the future, help with solutions to problems, and given practice and suggestion, (repeating a question over and over until you fall asleep) dreams can give very specific and accurate answers.

There are probably hundreds, if not thousands of dream interpretation books on the market, and many give different symbolism for the same dream. I do refer to books on occasion, but my instinct is usually my best guide. I have learned through the years to trust my instincts (a lesson I continue to learn). My instincts can tell me whether it’s “just a dream” or if I need to look further into it.

For instance, I had a dream the other night that I met a gorgeous man, and was very interested in him- flirting and getting to know him. The next thing I know, I am walking through a crowded hotel/dormitory naked, looking for him.

If I referenced a book on being naked, it would generally tell me that I a.) have a secret I’m afraid of coming out, or b.) I am feeling vulnerable or c.) I’m afraid of being caught off guard. My instincts, as well as my past and present circumstances tell me that if I was to ever find a gorgeous man and want to enter a relationship, I need/want to show more vulnerability, to trust someone with my secrets/innermost thoughts, and to let someone take care of me instead of keeping up a 50 ft wall in self-defense.

I should also mention that no one was insulted by my nudity and I almost felt that it was a rite of passage as I walked through the rooms and the corridors.

Another dream I recently had took me to a party or shower. I walked into the party and I was the only white person in the room. A woman immediately grabbed me and told me I had to kiss her. The next thing I know, I am trying to drive home, but I am in a city and I am lost. Suddenly a black boy on a bicycle is opening my driver’s side door (while I am still driving), and is trying to get into the vehicle. I see that he is being chased by a dog so I let him in. He then says to me, “My dog won’t get on my bike”. Looking at him I screamed, “That’s your dog?” I stopped at a light and looked around and said, “Well, I am lost”. Then I woke up.

My instincts were all over this dream from the second I woke up. They told me that a.) since I’m not racist, the black people simply meant that I am surrounded by people that are nothing like me, and the kiss was a symbol of doing things my true self wouldn’t normally do, or care to do. Honestly, this is a given in my life right now.

The boy and his dog represent the fact that I am so quick to “rescue” people, I don’t always know what I am getting myself into. I “rescue” people that, in fact, don’t really need rescuing.

The fact that I was lost (very common theme) could mean a few relevant things. I feel lost right now living among people that I don’t belong with. It also means that I am lost, looking for my way “home” to people, situations and a life I do belong to.

Now normally, I would pose a question the next night such as, “How do I get home?” or even “What’s my next step” or I could ask for my next dream to elaborate on the previous dream, but honestly, I have been so exhausted by bedtime since then that all I can think about is my head hitting the pillow.

Here’s a problem I have with other people’s dream interpretations: If any of you had the same dream(s) as me, they could mean something completely different. We are not cookies made with one cutter. We all have unique situations and issues to work through. This is where your own instincts are the best interpreters you can have.

P.S. What did I see in my new mug? My new kitchen color scheme- what a piece of inspiration! See, I can tell the future!

Monday, June 21, 2010

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Tonight is when I celebrate the Summer Solstice, or midsummer. It is also known as Litha in come Craft circles, though I find Midsummer so much more romantic.

Summer Solstice is generally the longest day and shortest night of the year. From here on out, the days get shorter, the nights get longer...you get it.

Midsummer/ Litha is the peak of fertility, used to celebrate love, health, purification, and dedication. (thanks to Ann Moura in Green Witchcraft)

For the kids, it’s all about the faeries- we made banana bread which we gave a plateful covered in honey and milk to our favorite little folk. We bless them and thank them for watching over us and the garden. (A little bribe never hurts!) It’s great to see the kids faces when they go outside the next morning and see the plate cleaned off!

For me, well, lets face it- I’m not a big ritual person. I made and canned 17 ½ pints of strawberry-rhubarb jam, infusing it all with love, happiness, and abundance, and now I’m set to sit in peace and quiet reflection about the coming days and months. I will definitely send my gratitude to the Lady and Lord for watching over the kids and I, and the wonderful, blessed life we are able to live.

And on that note, I will leave you with a beautiful poem my dear friend, Lot Valentina Mej√≠as was wonderful enough to include me in on…

A Prayer to the Sun
The sun is high above us
shining down upon the land and sea,
making things grow and bloom.
Great and powerful sun,
we honor you this day
and thank you for your gifts.
You are the light over the crops,
the heat that warms the earth,
the hope that springs eternal,
the bringer of life.
We welcome you,
and we honor you this day,
celebrating your light,
as we begin our journey once more
into the darkness.
So Mote It Be!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Summer Solstice

A Facebook friend of mine was posting about how she is feeling as the Summer Solstice arrives. I tried in vain to describe how I was feeling: “I have a very strong determination to get things done.” “I am feeling very feminine-very strong, emotional, sexy, and nurturing. I am usually more in touch with a more masculine side- being tough, physically strong, etc”.

This was all correct, but I was still missing something- something major. And then the perfect description came to me. I feel PREGNANT, and not just pregnant, but almost due, ready-to-pop pregnant! As soon as the thought hit me, I felt my spirit relax and I heard a voice say “finally!”(I had a vision of a small person flop back into a chair exhausted-LOL)

This is most definitely an A-HA moment. You know, one of those moments where everything comes together and finally makes sense?!

In case you’re new to my life, I am not physically pregnant- I am at the end of a bad marriage (17 years today), and the only way I could possibly become pregnant is if Pan himself came in when I was sleeping. ;)

I AM pregnant, however with ideas, possibilities, a whole new creation of me. I feel like I am pregnant with the Universe- everything just waiting to be born, and re-born.

I have spent the last 17+ years pretending I am someone I’m not- shutting down emotionally to spare the pain of verbal, mental, and spiritual abuse. Now I am waking up- I have a whole world to discover, to see, smell, hear, and most definitely feel. I have a voice to sing, a body to dance, and I want to do it for the world to see! Am I crazy for wanting to scream from a mountain, “I AM WOMAN-HEAR ME ROAR!!!!”?

Goodnight my Loves!