What a beautiful image of the Goddess Cerridwen stirring her cauldron!
First off, I want to post my journal entry for the other night- I wasn’t originally going to post it, but I think it’ll be good for me, an exercise in showing myself that “The downs are not flaws that need to be hidden, pushed aside, or be embarrassed of... I'm learning to just sit with the downs- accept them for what they are- an essential part of healing and growth.” – my facebook status from yesterday. So, here goes…
P.S. If cussing offends you- skip this entry…Sorry.
August 3, 2010
Today I feel beat up, wore out, and burnt out. I need a break- I haven’t had 24 hours away from everything in over a year. I love my kids to death, but the only time I have to myself is after 11 p.m., and with Hanna and Abbey coming out for this and that, even after 11 p.m. is not a guarantee. And what really pisses me off is that when I suggested I went just over to Timms Ford Park to go camping a day earlier than the rest of the family for a break, I was accused of going to meet someone. Give me a fucking break!
All I could think about tonight was at least when I’m divorced, I’ll get some time to myself. Isn’t that sad??? I need to get a divorce just so I can spend some time by myself. (there is a section of typing that gets crossed out) You know what? I was just going to write excuses for him! Fuck that! Imagine if he had to work 7 days a week, 18 hours a day without ever taking a vacation- this is bullshit! And when he said he needed a vacation more than any of us did!!! REALLY?!!!
I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I almost let him have it tonight, but as usual, I clammed up. HELLO! I WANT A DIVORCE!!
People keep saying they want to be like me. People want to be like the me I let them see. They don’t see the depressed, burnt out, procrastinating whimp I really am. Shoot, every one of these people would have divorced him by now- job or no job. Hell, I want to be the person I portray myself to be. Sad day.
Ok, there it is- for the world to read…kind of.
Let’s move on, shall we?
Last night I cried myself to sleep because I was so lonely. That is not like me at all. I think I am reaching a point of no return. I have asked myself for years, “How bad does it have to get before I leave”, and I think that’s the point I am at. Yes, I’ll admit it- I’m lonely. But you know what? I’m not just lonely for a lover, I’m lonely for people in general who understand me; people I share interests with- deep intellectual, spiritual interests. Not that I have anything against all of these God-fearing Christians, and I love the few friends I have, but I am so different than them. I seem to be most lonely in a crowd- pick a crowd, any crowd in my life right now- they’re all the same.
Would it be so hard to find people I can share things with? I have internet friends I can, but I miss physical touch- real people, but people that when I converse with, hug, or more someday, it feels special, sacred even- an actual communing of spirit.
You know, I think that’s all everyone wants in life- To feel connected, wanted, loved on a sacred, spiritual level. This place, these people, while some of them are wonderful, are not “my” people.
So, I guess, with intent, I ask for people to come into my life- in my real, physical life that I truly, intellectually, spiritually resonate with. And I guess the way to attract these people into my life is to BE truly intellectually and spiritually myself!
Honestly, just by putting that down on paper (and here on the blog) I felt the energy change, like the stirring of a big pot- or cauldron if you will.
Here is where life gets interesting!
Good night!
P.S. I want to share a beautiful quote that a friend posted today-
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -Alan Cohen
First off, I want to post my journal entry for the other night- I wasn’t originally going to post it, but I think it’ll be good for me, an exercise in showing myself that “The downs are not flaws that need to be hidden, pushed aside, or be embarrassed of... I'm learning to just sit with the downs- accept them for what they are- an essential part of healing and growth.” – my facebook status from yesterday. So, here goes…
P.S. If cussing offends you- skip this entry…Sorry.
August 3, 2010
Today I feel beat up, wore out, and burnt out. I need a break- I haven’t had 24 hours away from everything in over a year. I love my kids to death, but the only time I have to myself is after 11 p.m., and with Hanna and Abbey coming out for this and that, even after 11 p.m. is not a guarantee. And what really pisses me off is that when I suggested I went just over to Timms Ford Park to go camping a day earlier than the rest of the family for a break, I was accused of going to meet someone. Give me a fucking break!
All I could think about tonight was at least when I’m divorced, I’ll get some time to myself. Isn’t that sad??? I need to get a divorce just so I can spend some time by myself. (there is a section of typing that gets crossed out) You know what? I was just going to write excuses for him! Fuck that! Imagine if he had to work 7 days a week, 18 hours a day without ever taking a vacation- this is bullshit! And when he said he needed a vacation more than any of us did!!! REALLY?!!!
I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I almost let him have it tonight, but as usual, I clammed up. HELLO! I WANT A DIVORCE!!
People keep saying they want to be like me. People want to be like the me I let them see. They don’t see the depressed, burnt out, procrastinating whimp I really am. Shoot, every one of these people would have divorced him by now- job or no job. Hell, I want to be the person I portray myself to be. Sad day.
Ok, there it is- for the world to read…kind of.
Let’s move on, shall we?
Last night I cried myself to sleep because I was so lonely. That is not like me at all. I think I am reaching a point of no return. I have asked myself for years, “How bad does it have to get before I leave”, and I think that’s the point I am at. Yes, I’ll admit it- I’m lonely. But you know what? I’m not just lonely for a lover, I’m lonely for people in general who understand me; people I share interests with- deep intellectual, spiritual interests. Not that I have anything against all of these God-fearing Christians, and I love the few friends I have, but I am so different than them. I seem to be most lonely in a crowd- pick a crowd, any crowd in my life right now- they’re all the same.
Would it be so hard to find people I can share things with? I have internet friends I can, but I miss physical touch- real people, but people that when I converse with, hug, or more someday, it feels special, sacred even- an actual communing of spirit.
You know, I think that’s all everyone wants in life- To feel connected, wanted, loved on a sacred, spiritual level. This place, these people, while some of them are wonderful, are not “my” people.
So, I guess, with intent, I ask for people to come into my life- in my real, physical life that I truly, intellectually, spiritually resonate with. And I guess the way to attract these people into my life is to BE truly intellectually and spiritually myself!
Honestly, just by putting that down on paper (and here on the blog) I felt the energy change, like the stirring of a big pot- or cauldron if you will.
Here is where life gets interesting!
Good night!
P.S. I want to share a beautiful quote that a friend posted today-
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -Alan Cohen
Ann, We are all alone, I know that might not be the most supportive news to share with you right now, but I try to be as honest as I can while still trying to embrace you with all the love and support that I can muster.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a poem a long time ago about being all alone in a crowded world, and it still holds true today. So if I told you I understood what you are going through right now, it would be inaccurate; I can tell you I think I have felt all the emotions that you have described.
I wish I lived closer to you because I so miss physical contact with loving friends. When I say to you I would love to hang out on your deck and just sit and chat, I am so serious. We could sit and drink wine while we polish each others toenails and talk shit about men and what assholes they are, then talk about the things we truly love about them :)You could let me do some really cool beehive hairdo on you (and vice versa) and we could post pics of you on FB...lmao...
(wouldn't that be so cool?) <<when we grow old and die whoever is the last to leave this wonderful world could take one of the pics and blow it up huge to display at our going away party. I am never having a funeral, if people are not gonna party when I die then they can go fuck themselves ;)
Anyway, even if we are all alone, being lonely sucks. So I hope you know that in my thoughts you are never alone. I am there, laughing with you, not at you, and all is right with the world!
I would write you a personal note, but don't see an option. I went through exactly what you are going through- I mean, exactly- two years ago.
ReplyDeleteHow can we feel alone in a house full of people? so disconnected from a spouse or kids? Yes, having NO personal time is part of the problem. But even having time alone doesn't always help- because you can still feel trapped, and not free to be yourself.
Blogging is a great outlet. I wish I had started to do it when I was going through this. I probably could have used a bigger dose or antidepressant too. But I had free time, I had time to do art and things I wanted to do. I just felt alone, unappreciated, taken for granted, used, invisible, etc.
I left. I got up the courage and left. With no money. I had to leave the kids. I ended up at a friend's house- who I am now dating-
I don't know if it was the perfect decision. The kids and I went through a hell of a time trying to get a decent relationship. My kids are stronger and better to each other now, though. They are more responsible. I still don't thing they see how they and their dad stepped all over me. Their dad led the way and the kids just followed as kids do.
Their dad and I are friends. we talk. its nice.
But I still see I hav issues I need to work out. I still feel alone. I still feel that I am not in control (I am not- I don't support myself fully in my own home, and people always have expectations of me that I might not like). I'm still dealing with depression. I miss the kids, I miss being a mom and wife. I miss being queen of my castle. I miss my home and animals.
I like this freedom though. I like not having to do dishes 100 times a day. I like having time to blog and run away to my moms for weeks. I dream of having my own place and really finding me.
Ack- this was not supposed to be about me. I was just trying to tell you that you are not alone. And any decision you make should be made with a level head. It will affect you forever- good and bad.
ME and K- I am crying tears of absolute love and support right now- this is, by far, the scariest thing I have ever had to do, and I can't express enough how much both of your comments mean to me. Opening up about this, after keeping it all in for so long, has been quite a journey- bad and good- and it's so easy to get caught up in the lonliness, but knowing that while physically I may be alone- spiritually, there isn't anything further from the truth gives me so much strength.
ReplyDeleteThank you both sooo much!
ME- if you can get my hair to do anything- you are my idol! LOL Wish we lived closer too- we'd have a blast! Love You!
K- I watched on FB as you went through it all- while I was secretly a little jealous of your strength, I always prayed for you. You might not think you have it all together, but you are definitely a pillar of strength (while still remaining human) in my book! I am honored to have you as a friend.